here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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