What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
