im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
