Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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