Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
