I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
