It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If that was your dad, he is hot
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
