please come you make the beer taste better
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
