I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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