I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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