I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
