What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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