soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You made out with two different species that night
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
