I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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