i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
