I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
