I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
