god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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