My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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