I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I came so hard my ears popped.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
