the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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