I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
