So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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