I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize