why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
