I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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