One girl and one boy is just not enough.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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