You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
