So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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