a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
