I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
