I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
