Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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