dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
