Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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