he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
