you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
