How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
