I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize