Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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