Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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