He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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