There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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