She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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