My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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