I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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