Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
