bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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