And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
