My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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