Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
