I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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