I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i don't like sucking hair
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
