Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
