she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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