It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
