was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
