I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
