The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
