we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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